When it comes to our teenagers and young adults, knowing about their alcohol use truly requires “Daily Awareness.” Denial on the part of adult caregivers in a child’s life is a dangerous component of alcohol use disorder in our society. Awareness is the opposite of denial. Learning to believe your eyes and ears (and nose), and addressing behavior that is related to alcohol or substance use is positive early intervention.
When I look back to when my three 30-something sons were in high school and college, I realize there are so many things I could have done differently if only I had the knowledge. As a family recovery life coach with lived experience, I’m now able to share information and tools with families who are struggling with their teens and young adults experiencing the consequences of alcohol and drug use.
Here are some questions caregivers (parents, grandparents, adults taking care of children) can ask themselves:
- Am I taking care of myself? Is my stress under control? Do I have something in place to help me to be responsive rather than reactive? (exercise, breathing, meditation, yoga, etc.)
- How am I as a role model? Do I drink too much around my child? Do my social gatherings with friends or family always involve alcohol? What might this suggest to children?
- Am I strict enough? Do I enforce house rules, curfews, stick to boundaries and consequences?
- Do I ask enough questions, like who will be there, are adults at home, will there be alcohol?
The only thing we owe any other human being, including our children, is love and respect. That does not mean being a doormat, but rather a guardian of our children’s health and safety. This means allowing them to grow and gain responsibility for their behavior. Sometimes we’re afraid to be the enforcer. It’s so much easier to be the nice parent, avoid conflict, and not address what we might see.
Ask yourself: Am I noticing behavior that is new? Have I ignored this or have I addressed it with my child? Do I take my child at his word, or do I objectively consider what I see in front of me (change of friends, change in sleeping habits, change in appearance or self hygiene, visible signs of intoxication)? When addressing a young person, stick to the facts of what you have observed and deliver the facts without judgment. Express your care and concern.
It could become the beginning of fruitful communication that they will actually be able to hear. The power of being calm versus chaotic in your communication with any loved one is immeasurable, as is the importance of being a good listener. I remember my own behavior (and I cringe); nagging, raising my voice, and repeating the same message over and over, thinking it will eventually sink in. If kids can hear your words and feel heard themselves, then hopefully they can choose to work on changing any unhealthy behaviors.
The Lynnfield Public Library book suggestion for Alcohol Awareness Month is “Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget” by Sarah Hepola.
Lisa Fell Costa, PCC, is the founder of Certified Family Recovery Life Coach, Costa Family Recovery, LLC, and A Healthy Lynnfield Coalition Member
